Lammas Song
by Inylan Ledding
Summary: [COMPLETE] After thirteen long years in prison, Sirius is still haunted by the memory of friends past. Can he come to terms with events that he cannot change? PG-13, just to be on the safe side.


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A/N: Lammas is a feast day that commemorates St. Peter's deliverance from prison. As this story is told by Sirius while he is still in Azkaban, I feel that the title is very fitting. You shall understand by the time you finish reading. And remember, reviews are always appreciated.

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Lammas Song

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Sun-kissed and god-blessed and caressed by glorious honeyed fire

Undressed and cherished I care less what others think of me.

You brought the sun to my life

Your beauty blinded me

You brought the sun to my life

My golden sonnet, Adonis, I love you more each day

Your secret promise, I daren't miss what you have to say

You brought the sun to my life

And chased away the gray

You brought the sun to my life

You are my Lammas song

You are my Lammas song

My heart's desire, your fire has scorched the greenest leaf

My joy soars higher that's why I will always need you here

You brought the sun to my life

You brought the sun to my life

-Inkubus Sukkubus, "Lammas Song"

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A dull shaft of moonlight enters my cell, streaming across the floor, illuminating the cracked stones that have become my home. The pale light catches tiny dust motes, swirling, dancing, and disappearing into the darkness. I should be sleeping, I should be resting for the frightful, terrible day ahead, where I will need all the strength I can muster. I can't face those merciless, soul-sucking creatures without a defense, weak as it may be.

But you have invaded my thoughts tonight, and won't leave me at peace.

I don't enjoy your visits. You only bring pain and merciless suffering. There's no way you can realize that, wherever you may be, but you do, and it angers me. It angers me that you uncaringly scorch my very soul with your memory. It angers me that you come without warning. It angers me that after thirteen years, I still let myself feel for you.

Thirteen. Thirteen years spent wasting away in this hole. Thirteen long years in which I have tried to forget you. Thirteen long, hopeless years in which, every day, you come to me, haunting me with your memory.

Tonight, though, I've decided to welcome you. Maybe, if you meet submission and not hostility, maybe then I can rest.

Initially you bring me suffering beyond all imaginable. I am overrun with guilt, plagued by a torrent of what ifs and if onlys. A river of hate saturates my mind, poisoning you. You're now the one writhing with pain, the same emotional pain that I've endured for these thirteen years.

This does not satiate me as I thought it would. Your twisted features, your mouth open in a silent O pleading for mercy, injure me deeper than your arrival. Slowly, my hatred ebbs away, leaving a sorrowful realization in its wake.

Tears I have fought for thirteen years cut course paths through the dirt and grime on my aged face, unearthing pale, lifeless skin beneath them. They are the antidote to the venom you instilled in me when you left, unexpectedly, without warning, leaving me aching for you.

They drip onto a bloodied, sunken chest that shudders with each drawn breath. There, too, they trace passages down my body, releasing my anguish as they fade away.

You look at me, questioning my hatred, my eagerness to lash out in retaliation. Wordlessly you implore me to explain my actions. I thought, maybe by now, you would know. Then again, you always were the innocent one.

There never was anyone as close to me as you. Almost as if we were two halves of one whole, you and I were inseparable. No obstacle came between us.

When our mischief went too far, or we were caught, you were by my side creating some ingenious excuse to save me or stepping up to share the heat.

When my friendships went awry, you were there to hold me when I cried and calm me when I began to mutter death threats.

When my family disowned me, leaving me as the world's play-toy, you welcomed me to your home despite the dangers it brought you.

When I endangered another's life, you saved them before any harm could befall anyone.

You were the type of friend that everyone hopes for, that everyone dreams of having. You brought to my life a sense of contentment and completion that I had never felt before. I vowed to repay you someday.

I thought that by passing the duties of Secret Keeper to Wormtail that you would be safer. The obvious target, I reasoned, would be your closest friend. At the time, that was me.

I wasn't ready when Voldemort claimed you. I wasn't prepared to be wrenched from you so heartlessly. I've told myself to be logical, that it wasn't your fault, that you could do nothing to prevent it. But I wasn't being logical; I was being selfish. So I blamed you for my pain, for my broken vow.

I see now that there was nothing you and I could have done to foresee what was to come. I see that no matter how much I point fingers, whether at myself or others, nothing will change.

I see you shaking your head, in that way you always did when you knew I was being stupid and were amused by it. And I see what you want me to do.

You may not be here, but there is still a way to repay my debt: Harry.

I wonder if he looks like you, if, maybe, he has some of the qualities that I loved in you.

I can protect him, yes, and find the men who took you from me that Halloween night.

At last, you bring a smile to my face, an occurrence that is rare in this desolate wasteland. I can see the smile mirrored in your features, lighting up your beautiful honey-hazel eyes, hidden behind a thin veil of raven hair. I love it when you smile.

I will do as you wish, my Lammas song, because nothing can penetrate the power of friendship, the power of love.

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Get it? Got it? Good! Now review.

By the way, if Sirius and James came off as sounding like they marched to a different drumbeat, I didn't mean for it to sound that way. But whatever floats your boat.


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